English Major Golfer

Those that know me well, both on and off the golf course know of my life-long theology that the Universe has a funny sense of humor and usually is “out to get me.” This belief was formed from life experiences in sports, on stage, in business and throughout my personal life. 

The basics are like Charlie Brown (CB), who in the cartoon tries and tries to kick the football set up by Lucy; Charlie being me and the Universe being Lucy. 

Another way to illustrate it is through the saying “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” 

Throughout my life, there were these big steps forward, in my career, in starting a business, and personally. And just as the big step was happening, something would come along and either remove altogether or turn it just enough where the “football” would be missed. 

Without meaning to, this perception of life permeated into my company. Sure enough, there would be a huge contract that would be won and the company would be propelled forward – only to have something unfortunate and out of our control diminish the accomplishment and we would fall just short. 

Ironically, right before I took up golf again in 2020, the same scenario of CB with the football was taking place during the pandemic shutdown. While many people were suffering and businesses were shutting down, my company was thriving. We were able to win the government Payroll Protection Loan very early and bring all our employees back after just three weeks on furlough. New sales took off and we were able to make several significant changes to our business model that made us instantly more profitable – without any reduction in our workforce. It was an incredible time.

And I could not have been more scared that Lucy was going to move that football at any moment!

Then something very cool happened: Here’s where my faith and my CB Syndrome could not be reconciled. During a morning prayer, the thought came into my head “lean into it.” Lean into this time. Lean into this situation. Stop looking for the shoe to drop or the sky to fall. Believe that it won’t. “Trust that it won’t.”

And I did and it didn’t.

It was the first time in my life where CB kicked the football! And it began to change my thoughts about my CB Syndrome and my true underlying faith – my belief; my trust. If God loves me as I believe, then the Universe isn’t out to get me. I am wonderfully blessed.

“Except on the golf course…” says the Universe! 😂

Seriously, sometimes it’s really hard to believe that the Universe isn’t laughing at me on the golf course. And I felt that a lot this year. Many tournament rounds were plagued with unfortunate outcomes or just plain silly results. (Some of which I just had to take a picture of and they are shared here.) 

My 6 Stages of Self-Destruction were common and defined most of my late season events, including Nationals. Disappointment in one result led to a weekend of frustration and anger – and something different.

A Breaking Point?

At my core, I am a competitive person. I can remember as a kid, a young kid, playing kickball in elementary school and wanting to kick the most home runs of anyone in my class – not just win – win BIG.

The story of David and Goliath was like an anthem for my attitude in the backyard playing football. I was the smallest of my friends and I was the fastest and I wasn’t afraid of just running right through you – more like bounce off you and keep running! 😂

That sense of competitiveness is still there – if you challenge me to anything, I will probably take you up on it – within reason these days! 😉

And there is “no chill” in my desire and competitiveness in golf. I believe this drives a lot of my behavior when negative results happen – I want to win and I get frustrated, disappointed, when I don’t – mostly at myself.

Yet, as I pursue my aspirations in golf, this behavior, this attitude, the driving competitiveness isn’t working.

After Nationals weekend, I feel I hit some kind of breakpoint: this is not the golfer I want to be. While Tyrrell Hatton is entertaining and funny to watch play golf – he’s not who I want to be like as far as attitude. I aspire to be more like Scheffler, Koepka, or Matsuyama, who keep cool whatever the result.  And I was “Full Tyrrell” at Nationals – something has to change.

I realized that my Charlie Brown Syndrome and disappointment are closely linked to each other. “See, I told you so…” I can hear myself say as the realization of the results of the last shot come into focus – “this is not the way I wanted to start this round” – “The Pin Prick” – disappointment. 

I realized that if I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, almost expecting something negative to happen then disappointment is right around the corner. This cycle robs any chance for joy on the course because running in the background, CB is just waiting for the next bad shot or unlucky bounce. 

CBS must die.

It does not escape me that at this stage of my life, I have the opportunity and the wherewithal to play competitive amateur golf. When I stop and acknowledge this, I am overwhelmed and feel very blessed. This acknowledgement is in direct conflict with all the consternation of being competitive and getting disappointed and most importantly giving space to my CBS. The two can’t be reconciled.

My near term goal for my attitude development is to bury CBS once and for all. “Lean into it.” Think more about the joy of playing and accept the challenge of the bad breaks. Focus on more “Imagained Results” – where do I want the ball to go? Be the golfer I want to be.

RIP CBS!