Hidden Expectations

I have been stuck lately — not wanting to write and post and just not “feeling it.” My game has been a bit of a mess. And for all my ability to support others in their game — I just haven’t felt any command of my own. “Who am I to give advice when I am playing so erratically?”

For all the time off in Portugal and the physically healing that happened, I think I missed something. When I came back to competition, I didn’t seem as “centered” as I was before I left. For all my mental practice, little things kept setting me off – knocking me back into the emotional roller coaster of celebrating a well struck shot and getting down on myself for the opposite.

I recently went to a tournament weekend in Hilton Head — a preview of Nationals and a way to make up some season points — and it was a colossal collapse in my game. The first day, I shot a 95 with no less than 5 penalty shots and too many lost balls. This was the highest score in competition in two years. It was brutal and I was completely shot mentally. The second day wasn’t much better, carding an 87 and finishing a humbling dead last.

This past Sunday was the final regular season event for the Golf Week Amateur Tour. My hope with one more event was that I could get back on track and perhaps climb a few spots on the season points leaderboard. Despite the HH debacles, the points I did get put me in fifth and close to the 4th place spot. “There was hope.”

A practice round prior to Sunday provided a nice bounce back from HH and I went into the round feeling “confident.” Five holes into the tournament, I was Even Par and playing really well. I made a miraculous Par on my fifth hole with a 80 foot two-putt. I was pumped. And the roller coaster began.

A miss hit on the Par 5, sixth hole led to a double bogey, which led to another bogey on the 7th hole. Both shots were well struck, quality swings that simply took an unlucky bounce or just flew too far and out of position. I got frustrated — outwardly.

I bounced back and forth like this the remainder of the round: Quality shots, great putting, unlucky bounces, missing on the edge of the cup. I completed the round with an 82, adding three strokes in the last three holes which pushed me out of the money line and into mid-pack 10th place. Gut punch.

In the balance, I was so pleased with how I played and yet the overall result was pretty deflating.

Mulling over my round and my season this morning, it hit me: Hidden Expectations.

Last year was such a breakthrough for me — three wins, third place in the GW Tour; First place in the Senior Tour; Player of the Year — “surely 2024 was going to be EVEN BETTER!” I have been playing all this year with that “hidden expectation.”

In golf and in LIFE, expectations are the gateway to pressure, frustrations, anger, resentments, and disappointments. The expectations we put on ourselves or on others cloud us into a constant cycle of judgements and measures resulting in desires that can not be met. Expectations derail us from our ultimate realization of “joy” with anything or any one.

This immediately made sense for this year. Looking back, I could see a pattern of the bad rounds felt “painful” and the good rounds well, just “didn’t feel like last year.” It took getting to the end of the regular season play to realize this subconscious worm eating away at my joy of the game. I am reminded once again of my battle within and the desire to be “that player.” That “second guy” who just shows up and just hits the ball and loves it. Be that guy. Play with Joy.

While the regular season for both the GW Tour and the Senior Tours are over, we still have finals and then Nationals back in Hilton Head in October. There’s still a lot of golf to play before the 2024 Season is truly over.

I am glad I have had this realization to help me reframe this last month going forward and at least reduce any possible expectations. Of course, this isn’t a switch in my brain that I can just “flip” – OH! there we go — no expectations. Got it.

It will take continuing to focus on one shot at a time, one putt at a time. It will take finding joy in each shot, and letting go of the results. (There are no “good” shots, there are no “bad” shots, only shots). Most importantly, it will take checking my thoughts when I am not on the course that I don’t linger into “hope” and “wishful thinking”.

Rather, simply remind myself: be that player I want to be.